


The Loneliest Number

by dandelion_clock



Series: Cry for the Moon [8]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2018-10-13
Packaged: 2019-08-01 12:45:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16284854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dandelion_clock/pseuds/dandelion_clock
Summary: The thing is that Remus has secrets.He's spent his whole life telling lies, so perhaps it's simply become a habit, and he never fails to see shades of grey where Sirius sees black and white.





	The Loneliest Number

Sirius hasn’t been _intimate_ with anyone else. 

His family just weren't like that. 

When Sirius went home for the holidays his mother would offer him a porcelain cheek, cool and smooth and ready to be kissed, and his father would shake him by the hand, or sometimes clap him on the back. 

And however close he is to James (and sometimes it feels like they share a brain) they don't really talk about their friendship, let alone hug or all that mush. 

So it's endlessly startling to Sirius, the way that Remus lets him _touch_. The way that Remus touches him back. And he doesn't even mean the sex, although that in itself is overwhelming enough. What he means is the other stuff, the private smiles and eskimo kisses, the pillow talk and impromptu embraces. Is Remus sprawled on the king sized bed that Sirius bought exactly for this, in the bedroom of his new apartment, while Sirius traces patterns on his back. 

Writes _i love you_

_wake up_

_so fucking much_

‘I’m awake,’ Remus murmurs drowsily, his narrow hips shifting against the mattress. 

It all seems to come so easily to Remus, and maybe that’s because of his mum. Mrs Lupin is always touching him - brushing his hair out of his eyes, or running anxious fingers down his too-sharp spine, or hugging him on the platform at King’s Cross as if she can't let go of him. And Remus is kind of like that generally - will walk arm in arm with Lily or Alice, and sometimes even hold their hands, and Sirius knows he shouldn’t be jealous but sometimes it's difficult to understand. 

Remus walks up behind Sirius and slides his arms around Sirius's waist, hooks his chin over Sirius's shoulder, and Sirius's whole body aches. This funny combination of having and longing that doesn't make the slightest sense, and somehow it's all _terrifying._

Or Remus reaches across the table and tangles their fingers idly together. Remus's hands are slim and pale, his body always running cold, and Sirius's are larger and stronger, the pianist's hands he inherited from his mother (although he never learned to play like her)...and the sight makes Sirius's stomach twist, makes him feel slightly sick. Because this means so fucking much, it's everything he's ever wanted, and what if he doesn't manage to keep it? 

And the thing is that Remus has secrets. He's spent his whole life telling lies, so perhaps it's simply become a habit, and he never fails to see shades of grey where Sirius sees black and white.  

Like, Ivor Stickleback kissed him last summer, at the picnic-party Alice threw for her birthday, and Sirius had to find out from _Peter_. Remus says that it wasn't important, that Ivor was shockingly drunk at the time, and horribly embarrassed about it later, but Sirius thinks that’s _not the_ _point._   

Theonly reason Ivor still has all his teeth is because it wouldn’t be a fair fight. 

And stuff definitely _happened_ between Remus and Alice. Remus and her actually _joke about it,_ as if it's no more important than a failed school project. 

Remus treats it all so lightly and it makes Sirius feel like he's coming unstuck. He want to lock Remus up in a tower where he can't touch anyone else. Where the whole circumference of his world is Sirius.  

Where he can't rest his head on Lily's shoulder, or play long games of chess with Gideon Prewett. Where he isn't Professor Dumbledore's favourite, where he doesn't spend hours in the headmaster's office, and tell Sirius he's _not allowed to talk about it._

Remus is curled up on the sofa, reading one of his muggle paperbacks _._  
'What?' he asks, looking up.  
Although Sirius hasn't said anything, is just standing in the doorway watching him.  
'What's it about?'  
'What?'  
'The book.'  
'It about a woman who...it's hard to explain.'  
'I want you to tell me. Tell me everything.' 

Remus gets that tired look. The one that, these days, he gets a lot. 

'You could read it yourself.'  
'I don't care about the book. I want to know what you think about it.'  
'I haven't even read it yet.'  
'What did you do this afternoon?'  
'Sirius, you already know - '  
'You spent the _whole afternoon_ in a bookshop?'  
'What else do you think I did?'  
'Sometimes I don't know what to think.'  
'I hate it when you get like this.'  
'Like what?'  
'Like you want to eat my up.'  
'I just want to be _sure,’_ Sirius says. ‘I just want to know what’s in your head.’ 

A number of strange expressions flicker across Remus's too-pale face. And then he smiles lopsidedly, and says quietly, 'Come here, Padfoot.’ 

And Sirius does, he can't help himself. Not when Remus's eyes are so very blue, and his skin so pale, and his body so slight. He lets Remus tug him down onto the couch, and kiss the corners of his mouth. 

‘Mam says it’s your family’s fault. She says it’s because they weren’t loving enough.’  
‘Why did you talk to your _mum_ about it?’  
‘Because this hard for me, Sirius!’  
‘What the fuck about this is hard for _you?’_  
‘Sirius, have you _seen_ yourself? There’s not a single girl at school who’s not amazed that I bagged you - ’  
‘Bollocks. Moony, you’re _beautiful_ \- ’ 

Remus has started laughing now. Burying his face in Sirius’s shoulder, and wrapping his arms around his waist. ‘Merlin, you’re such an _idiot - ’_  
‘Fuck off.’  
‘I belong to you, alright?’   
‘You - ’  
‘What do I have to do to prove it?’ 

And it all seems so easy at this moment. Remus crawling into his lap, with his soft brown fringe falling into his eyes and those rare dimples in his cheeks. 

‘Yeah,’ Sirius says. ‘Alright.’ 

They’re going to have a lot of sex, and Remus will let Sirius take him to pieces. All shivery smiles and slender limbs, smooth, pale skin and hungry kisses. 

And after he’ll lie in Sirius’s arms, and gaze at him with dark, dazed eyes, and everything will be justperfect. 

And the poison will spread under Sirius’s skin, because it’s all too good to believe in. 

**Author's Note:**

>  _Two can be as bad as one_  
>  _It's the loneliest number since the number one_  
>   
>  Aimee Mann


End file.
